Thursday, November 20, 2008

Toe Bumps and The Fatal Rash

It's winter time again here in the bloody arctic circle. A joyous time which brings into my exciting world one of the mysteries of my life: toe bumps. Strange bulbous, red lumps that magically appear on my toes when the weather gets cold. Burning, itchy to the point of pain, globules that appear on one toe, stick around for a few days then disappear only to appear on a different toe, or on a really exciting day, a couple of different toes.

What are these enigmatic toe bumps? Where do they come from? What do they want? I haven't a clue and they aren't talking. Perhaps aliens are abducting me late at night and probing my toes thereby leaving tell tale signs that I just haven't pinpointed yet.

Toe bumps aside, mostly, now I have this rash. Sounds like a personal problem you say. Perhaps you should secretly go to the doctor, you say. And yet, I'd rather air it here in blog fashion so all three of my readers can exclaim over my misfortune.

So I have this rash.....which normally wouldn't be of a great deal of concern, irritation (no pun intended) but not concern except I'm taking this medication. One of those lovely drugs that has a two page list of side effects one being: rare but fatal rash.

The doc told me when she prescribed it that I should watch for a rash on my back so for several months I dutifully looked for a back rash, which, surprisingly enough, I didn't get. Fast forward a few more months to a few days ago when while washing my feet (and aren't we all so glad that I do, indeed, wash my feet?) I discovered a weird looking rash. A foot rash. To go along with my winter toe bumps. Good lord.

Having enough presence of mind to dry off first, I went looking for my husband and told him there was something wrong with my feet. He took a gander and said, in his stating the obvious kind of way, "looks like a rash". Um, gee, thanks honey, that was helpful. We then started pondering, unsuccessfully I might add, what could possibly have caused a bizarre foot rash and finding we didn't have a fucking clue, moved on to other topics assuming that if I died in the night, it was the fatal rash.

Other than the itching, I pretended not to notice said rash until a couple days ago when once again exiting my bathtub I discovered to my great dismay that I now not only have a foot rash, I have an arm, butt cheek and hip rash as well. Lovely. But....I'm not dead so it occurred to me that perhaps it's not the fatal rash but instead is caused by something slightly less insidious rash type thing. Whew, that's a relief. Sort of and yet, not.

So here I am.....in the arctic tundra dealing with toe bumps and a non-fatal rash. Perhaps I have mange....some weird human mange that you don't hear about unless you watch that show...that show about weird medical crap people get.

The moral of the story, if you can call it that by any stretch of the imagination, is have some pity for those of us who are grouchy hags in the winter. For all you know we have toe bumps and not so fatal rashes that look like mange. You can tell who were are by the limping and scratching.

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